Desperation.

I want so many things; but instead of giving me hope, they just make me realize what a dark and barren future I’m headed for.
I want to write myself out of this disaster because that’s all I have left.
That’s all I can do.
That’s all I know how to do.
Create.
Create a world where the tightly woven knots and the carefully constructed bows aren’t so easily destroyed by just one gentle tug.
I don’t trust anyone and my faith in humanity is frail.
I want a Godly man.
I crave a man of God.
So many cravings I have; an insatiable hunger trying to rip its way through my insides.
It’s the hunger for happiness; the hunger for contentment.
I try to bury it, to smother it; but sometimes it claws its way to the surface.
I don’t want to kill it completely; at least not yet.
But the time for desolation is drawing near.
I can feel it in my bones.
I can feel it in each ragged sigh and in each drawn out breath.
I’m lost in a hell of my own making.
I can’t blame anyone else. I made the choices, I made the mistakes and I always took the dead-end roads.
And now the dark thoughts are feeding on my mind and devouring my soul.
I’m hungry for God.
I’m desperate to give it all to Him, but the weakness of the flesh is my downfall.
I know this, in my mind and in my soul, but I don’t feel able to change it. I don’t have the strength, the fortitude, or the bravery to relinquish all control.
These words come out of me and I don’t know where they form or how they come to life.
There are too many reasons why I shouldn’t give in and so many more of why I should.
I want to know who I am; besides a mother, a daughter, a sister.
There’s got to be more to me than that.
God made me.
He had a plan from day one, a plan for who I was and what I was supposed to be.
This can’t be it.
It just can’t.
I won’t accept that.
But I don’t know where to look or how to change.
God, help me. Show me what to do. Lead me to a path of righteousness.
I make mistakes even when I know it’s wrong.
I try to tell myself that it’s okay; I try to rationalize and make excuses for the stupidity of my ways.
I’ve done that my entire life and I’m tired.
I’m so tired.
“You are my shield, my strength, my portion, my deliverer. My shelter, strong tower, my very present help in time of need.”
I want that.
I need that.
I crave that.
I am desperate for that; that feeling of hope, of security and of safety.
I want to let go of the wheel and lay down in the backseat and see where I end up.
I want to be delivered.
I want to break the chains.
I want to be consumed by the flames of a passion so great that only the light remains.
I want my eyes to be opened.
I want to live, to love, to laugh, to cry, to feel.
I want to rest.
Rest peacefully, cradled in the arms of grace.